Did you go off on someone again?
Perhaps you lost your temper – said something you shouldn't have and did something that you now regret.
Was it with your spouse or partner? Your kids? Your boss or co-worker? Or maybe a complete stranger in traffic?
Chances are that when you get out of control like that, you probably blame someone or something else for your outburst.
Nope. It doesn’t work that way. The way you show your anger is your choice.
You can stand in your power – and make a quick change to healthy anger.
Anger is more than annoyance.
Your feelings of being annoyed should dissipate before escalating into something more. Much of your anger may start with annoyance, though, and you can be empowered to help yourself not allow the annoying feelings to escalate.
Your annoyance occurs when:
something doesn’t go as expected
there’s a minor discretion, accident or mistake
there’s some degree of discomfort involved
Maybe you sigh, curse or roll your eyes in response to these annoyances, but you can easily let it go and move on.
Minor annoyances are innocuous to your mind and body. Escalating anger can cause your brain to release anti-stress chemicals and cause your body sensations (like your heartbeat and skin temperature) to change. Annoyances don’t have the same effect.
Your thoughts are causing your anger.
The way you perceive, interpret and process what’s happening to you is what causes you to think and feel a certain way in any given situation. Your feelings follow your thoughts that serve as triggers for your feelings.
What is the story that you’re telling yourself?
Your automatic trigger thoughts – which may be distorted – then cause you to feel some level of emotional intensity. You may quickly think and feel that you’ve been deliberately harmed or victimized by someone who should have known better.
Your trigger thoughts are stored in your core belief system. Sometimes those beliefs are incorrect. They may exist as negative messages for you that increase the intensity of your anger, which then may be expressed in an unhealthy way.
Your angry thinking habits can be changed. You can be empowered to find new ways to change your automatic distorted thoughts and significantly reduce the intensity of your angry feelings.
When is your anger healthy or unhealthy?
Anger is a natural human emotion that varies in intensity and duration. It’s often a secondary emotion – a reaction to other emotions or thoughts.
What are you really feeling under your anger – frustration, disappointment, embarrassment or something else?
Your anger is a subjective experience based on previous angry thought patterns, memories and habits.
You have a choice in how you show your anger.
Anger that communicates is healthy (constructive). Anger that punishes is unhealthy (destructive).
Constructive anger has four primary goals:
communicate feelings
change hurtful situations
prevent a recurrence
improve relationships
Destructive anger tries to:
control, dominate, overpower
intimidate
coerce
retaliate
blame, attack, shame, embarrass
block communication, avoid intimacy
When you express your anger in healthy ways, you encourage and promote deeper emotional connection and strengthen relationships. Unhealthy anger expressions will do just the opposite.
To what degree is your anger response constructive?
Do you default to unhealthy anger?
There are four ways you can communicate unhealthy anger. These are more destructive to emotional health and relationships:
Passive - avoiding conflict to the point of emotional stuffing or self blame and an increase in angry feelings
Aggressive - out of control raging outbursts with little regard to emotional health impact or relational damage
Passive-aggressive - simultaneously being passive and aggressive, using manipulation, resistance, or victimization and setting others up to fail
Projective-aggressive - projecting yoru anger on others or manipulating others to express your anger for you
What does your healthy anger look and feel like?
When you express your anger in healthy and constructive ways, your personal presentation and identity will be positively impacted. You’ll get more comfortable in feeling calmer and more in control when you get angry. Your facial expressions and body language won’t seem so sour and perhaps at times – downright scary.
With your calmer, more thoughtful approach to processing your anger, you will send more messages of safety and resilience. By showing you are sensitive to the impact of your angry words and behaviors on others, you’ll get much more positive responses during angry situations.
And you’ll just feel better after being angry.
The neurotransmitters and chemicals released in your brain and body change with your emotions. Your moods and feelings are directed by your mind-body chemical release. By changing to healthy anger, you’ll have more calming and positive energy coursing through you. Your brain and body won’t feel so irritable or exhausted.
So, how do you express your anger in healthy ways?
You can use assertive communication – rather than passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive or projective-aggressive – to express your anger.
You can state your feelings and needs in clear, open and direct ways – without emotional escalation, blame, avoidance or attack.
You can use both non-verbal and verbal communication to send your messages of understanding and respect.
Being assertive means you can be intentional about healthy eye contact, your volume and tone of voice, the rate that you’re speaking, and other parts of your body language.
You can communicate your expectations, needs, perspectives and values with simple direct communication of stating the facts, your feelings and a fair request – without judgement or blame.
As an example – “I see that you used my stuff again. I get frustrated when you borrow my stuff and I can’t find it when I need it. Please put it back in the drawer so I can find it next time.”
It may take some practice if you’re used to another form of less healthy anger communication. Hang in there. Angry habits may be hard for you to change.
But your payoff will be huge, both emotionally and relationally. You may be surprised to find out that when you express your anger in calmer, more assertive ways, the other person will respond more calmly, as well.
And then you’ll both feel better and closer after.
— Changing to Healthy Anger starts with your FREE Healthy Anger Smartphone App.