Stop Begging Others To Be Nice - It's Mostly Ineffective
If you're looking for more kindness, try this.
Sometimes it feels like you hear it everywhere.
“Be nice.” “Be kind.”
It’s on T-shirts and stickers and coffee mugs. These short and sweet slogans even have their own hashtags (#benice #bekind).
It seems to almost be a “feel good” throw-away line - one that easily rolls off your tongue when you’re feeling like someone is not being respectful, understanding or compassionate.
But what do you actually mean when you implore someone to “be nice” or “be kind?”
The terms “nice” and “kind” are so generic, it can seem a bit confusing, especially in the heat of an emotional moment.
It feels almost too elementary nature, although it’s probably even more confusing for the elementary mind.
Certainly saying “Be nice” or “Be kind” is a message from the heart. Usually it feels so sugary that it may even elicit a smile.
But ambiguity will only cloud your message and perhaps frustrate you when you don’t see a change to “nicer” behavior.
Do you mean to be more pleasant? More agreeable? More satisfactory? Those are the listed definitions and synonyms for “nice.”
If someone is having a challenge showing kindness to someone else, lecturing them to “be nice” or “be kind” is doomed to be a failed strategy.
When encouraging someone else to change to more positive, relationship-building connection with someone or something else, you can be more specific to be more effective.
First you’ll need to do a self check in.
How “nice” and “kind” are you being to others?
Emotions are contagious. You can spread your niceness.
Let’s get specific.
Show Empathy - are you able to pause your thoughts, feelings and beliefs and connect with someone else’s thinking process? Can you take the perspective of another and offer non-judgmental acceptance?
Crystal is a fourth grader who tends to be aggressive with her classmates when she doesn’t get her way in the classroom. Her teacher is quick to judge Crystal and dole out consequences. She says things like, “Crystal it’s rude when you call others names. We don’t treat each other that way in our classroom. You will miss recess today.” Her teacher’s judgement limits Crystal’s ability to identify and connect to her frustration and therefore regulate and change it. Chances are without learning these new skills, Crystal will work harder at “flying under the radar” and not being caught. She learns to deny her own feelings and lie to avoid punishment.
Self-regulate - showing empathy, compassion, and conscience are all “higher level” cognitive brain functions, which are hampered when you’re brain is emotionally dysregulated. So if you’re feeling a certain something (frustration, disappointment, anger, anxiety, embarrassment, etc.) it’s going to be extremely difficult to “be nice” to others. You need to regulate first and help others regulate.
Marcos knew that it was going to be tough for him to sit quietly through his monthly team meeting at work since his boss quit and now someone from another office is coming to lead the team and he felt that was not fair. Marcos has created a mental list of things to question the new boss about and the new guy better have the answers! Without ways for Marcos to stay emotionally regulated during his meeting, chances are his emotions will prevent him from changing any outcomes.
Understand impact sensitivity - having the mindsight to understand and appreciate how someone else is perceiving and processing your communication will make you more effective and encourage behavioral change in others.
Jaclyn was used to organizing and running most of the school fundraisers in her role as head volunteer at her son’s elementary school. While feeling responsible for doing most of the work, Jaclyn became a bit over-protective of her decisions and choices and whenever other volunteers offered alternate suggestions, Jaclyn would arrogantly or insensitively respond, which discouraged others from helping. Without realizing the impact of her words and actions, Jaclyn ends up perpetuating the stress and challenges of not having others to help her.
Deny your feelings of schadenfreude - the self-righteous pleasure you may feel from someone else’s misfortune. (Your pain is my gain?) Children as young as two years old can get feelings of satisfaction by seeing others suffer. Research indicates this little-discussed mental trap can cause more aggressive behavior in those experiencing it. Increased empathy can reduce schadenfreude. (New hashtag? #denyschadenfreude)
Gervais is diligent about not arguing about politics on social media. Although he does not post any of his political views, many times he is drawn into observing other political posts and feels an interesting satisfaction when someone who does not share his political views online is inconvenienced or disrespected.
Be more compassionate, tolerant, understanding and patient. Being nicer and kinder means showing more love - not only the feeling of love, but also the action of love. The best way to encourage someone else to show more love, is for you to first show more love toward them. Use the emotional contagion for deeper connection. Others, especially children, will be “nicer” and “kinder” if they’re receiving that feeling of closeness themselves.
13- year old Terrence was known in his middle school as a discipline problem. Most of his teachers would do whatever they could to manage their time with Terrence, knowing he could “go off” at any time with some inappropriate behavioral outburst. There was one teacher though - Miss Stewart - that Terrence seemed eerily calm around. Miss Stewart was able to respond to Terrence’s challenging behaviors with a bit more tolerance and patience than other teachers and this helped Terrence feel safer, which affected his behavior.
Being able to role model “nice and kind behavior” will be a true message from your heart and by being more specific in action and expectations, you can get others to be more intentional about sensitivity, understanding and respect.